I'm just going to say it: I was actually really disappointed with myself about my Knoxville ProSkater audition.
I felt like I wasn't friendly enough. Bright enough. Good enough. Like I wasted an opportunity to make a great first impression by selling myself short.
And, yes. I still feel that way. Next year, there's a lot of things I'll be doing differently.
But there will be a next year. As I was processing my disappointment over these past few weeks, it sparked a shift in my own thoughts. I will stay committed to my dreams. To my goals. I will keep working hard, keep improving, keep experimenting until I hit on where I need to be.
Throughout highschool, continuing to skate and putting 'Disney on Ice' as my goal was shiny, exciting, and very, very far off. This year, my first out of school, has been scary and stressful for the simple fact that now, I need to actually make something happen. And that's a huge jump to make.
But I'm in the process of shifting my attitude. Regardless of the fact I didn't get a job from this particular audition, I'm proud that I went. I'm proud I put myself out there and tried something new. I didn't leave with a job, but I left with the tools to keep trying to get one. And while in the moment that felt disappointing, I'm realizing that's a huge step, too.
Knoxville brought to light a couple of key takeaways:
I am building a whole life.
Don't get tunnel vision to the point that you hurt yourself. I'm focusing on being healthy and happy on the ice, but also off the ice with church, coaching, writing, and being social. There's a lot of life to live, and I don't want to miss an opportunity because I was hyper-focused on one path.
Which brings me to...
There is no one path.
Every presenter in Knoxville had a different story. There were only three common factors between them: they worked hard, they were open to opportunities, and they loved skating. Outside of that, every single one was wildly different.
I've never been 'normal' a single day in my life. I was homeschooled K-12 in a conservative church of Christ home where we had horses instead of dogs and should chickens through 4-H instead of selling girl scout cookies. Never in my life have I taken the busy road, so why would I start now? Rather than worrying about the things I feel I should have done, I'm focusing on actively doing great things now. I'm excited for my path to be different.
I have not even come close to trying. Not yet.
And I mean that in the most positive way possible.
My initial reaction coming home from Knoxville was, "WHAaaaaatTTTT will I do nooooowwww?! I'm done! Done! Unwanted! Washed up! I will never make it! I tried. Yes, I tried this one singular time, and that's it! They did not want me! They will never want me! I missed my shot."
I don't care what your goal is, but at 19, that monologue will never (ever) be accurate.
There is so much more room for me. So much more room for me to grow, mature, put things out there, and chase other opportunities. I have not even scratched the surface on chasing this goal, which means I have amazing options in front of me, and that is very exciting.
I was on the ice for three and a half blissful hours yesterday. My senior moves are on the brink of peaking again for my test in two weeks. I landed five double salchows after a horrible few weeks of not landing any, and I was *this* close to landing a double toe-loop. Yesterday was such a fantastic day, and I'm still beaming about it.
I have control of my life. Often, I freak out and fully believe I don't. But I'm getting better at stopping when that happens, figuratively poking me ribs, and saying: No. You are in control of the choices you are making, and you have the power to keep making choices that bring you towards your goals.
And isn't that an amazing thing to be grateful for?
Happy Thursday! xoxo