I can live alone, if self respect and circumstances requires me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inborn treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.
A main theme of 2015 has been questioning.
Questioning my dreams. My methods. Questioning my motivations, who I really am, what I really want, what I really need. And at times, questioning my faith.
I want to work my butt off and reach my goals. I'm in love with the idea of being absorbed in work, grinding through with purpose and being creative and innovative as a result. But this year, I've struggled a lot with keeping that focus. A Distraction will come along, and suddenly everything is derailed. I'm waking up late. I'm getting less done. I'm less focused at the rink. I'm less motivated to push myself.
There are days when I feel like such a badass for doing yoga early in the morning, and driving to the rink, and practicing, and writing, and then having a long day at work. I feel on top of it and like I'm really trying my best. But there are other days (to be honest, usually when a Distraction doesn't text me back) that it just feels lame. It feels horrible to never have a free night. Or the fact that weekends literally do not exist. Or to always be going to the rink. And I most definitely never tell anyone about my blog.
The fact that I derail so easily really annoys me. The fact that my mood is dictated by whether or not my phone is buzzing is ridiculous. When did I start to care so much about what people think?
I've never had to deal with this issue before this year. But it's been a repeated issue since January, and one I've been trying to learn how to handle. I'm so far from getting this. So, so far. But there are two things that have been working this fall:
(1) Just work anyways. I know! Rocket science! But this has literally been all I've done. Just go anyways, regardless of mood. Don't indulge yourself. I'm much better at this one when it involves leaving the house (going to work, going to the rink). It's harder when I'm at home (write that blog post, clean my room, do a yoga video), but generally it works. I've come to realize the power habit has in keeping you on track.
(2) Realize that burnout is real, and sometimes you are actually tired. I know lots of people who work seven days a week. I know people who have a night job and a day job. I know people who skate while doing all honors in school. I know lots of people who go, go, go all the time. And I really admire that. I want to be like that...because frankly, there is so much more room to push ourselves than we think. We indulge our lazy sides more than we have to.
But, I've also realized that sometimes, resting is completely necessary. There's been a lot of nights this year where I've ditched blogging and gone to bed at 10 (which is ridiculously early for me). I indulge in guilt-free Netflix binges after I close at work. And when I'm sick, overtired, and really sore, I take the day off from skating. Which is something I still feel guilty about, but I'm finally realizing is important.
So that is where I'm at right now. I'm learning to find balance. I'm learning to stay focused. I'm experimenting and searching for that sweet spot where I'm working at my best. And I'm learning to be more confident in what I do, even when other people don't understand it.
I have goals, desires, and beliefs. I have a heart I'd rather not let everybody see. And I'd rather go through life be alone and true to myself, then change for people not meant for me, anyways.
Happy Saturday! xoxo