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Monday, February 9, 2015

Heroines Aren't Guaranteed A Hero

Being a heroine is something I talk about a lot on this blog.

Mainly, I guess, because it's something I'm never not thinking about for my own life.

I want to do big things. I want to be in touch with passion, and honesty, and emotion. I want to make art. And travel. And work hard. And play hard. I want to be creative with my life, do things outside the box, and touch the people around me. 

I want to overcome blocks in the road with positivity, strength, and a quick wit. I want to be the heroine of my life story, not the victim. 

But sometimes I fall off the bandwagon. I stop all those action steps, all the quirky life mantras, and all those Wonder Woman poses. I stop believing I'm capable of being the heroine, because there's something I'm so obviously missing: a hero. 

My hero. 

Tall. Funny. Strong. Smart. Hard working. Kind. A true gent. The bad-boy-but-good-man type, perhaps. Someone sweet. Someone who just wants to be with me. And root for me. And have my back.

I'm not looking for a prince (honestly, I'm not into guys that dress better 'n I do). I've never been into the whole 'fairy-tale' thing. Not for my life, anyways. No, I'm looking for a hero. He doesn't have to have it all figured out. He doesn't even have to pretend he does. Cuz isn't that what heroes and heroines do? Figure it out together, by the seat of their pants, and somehow manage to save the day?

Before every feminazi on the internet starts throwing things at me, let me shoot in this disclaimer: I'm in no way saying you need a man. I'm in no way saying I'm less, or you're less, or anyone's less, if they don't have a guy in their life. I'm saying the opposite, actually. From what I've seen and felt, nothing's more draining than being with someone who isn't your hero. It's really, really hard--and I'm not gonna say impossible, but it's probably pretty close--to be the heroine of your life while you've got an antihero dragging you down.

You don't need a hero to be a heroine. Having a hero doesn't make you a heroine. But here's something we haven't talked about before: being a heroine doesn't guarantee you a hero.

That might be a surprise.

It was to me, anyways.

But isn't that what we're always told? 

"Just be you, guys will like you for YOU"

"To get someone interested, you have to be interesting"

Or even just the well meant, "I bet your parents have to lock you up to keep the boys away." 

It's that expectation that the successful, ambitious, pretty, fun, smart, and kind girls are the ones guys go after. That once you hit heroine status, the heroes notice and start lining up. 

But--and every idealistic Pinterest person is gonna hate me for this--that doesn't always appear to be the case. 

I know a lot of incredibly epic young women I'd call heroines. Girls that are quirky and smart and hard working and dreamers and gorgeous, on top of it all. They're the Lizzie's and the Charlotte's of the world. 

I also know a lot of obnoxious girls, who can most accurately be described as basic. Or cookie-cutter, if I'm being kind. They're the Lydia's, Kitty's, and Caroline Bingley's.*

But they're always the ones with the boyfriends. I tried to think of a more poetic way to say it, but it really just comes down to that. And I don't want to be like them. I'm proud of who I am and where I'm going. I don't envy them, but I'm jealous of them (cuz those are totally different things, right?). Why can't I have the slow dance at prom? Why can't I have someone constantly texting me? Why can't I have someone pick me up after work? Why can't I be the one with weekend plans? Why you? Why not me?

I'm supposed to wrap this up and say something encouraging. In fact, I shouldn't have even written that paragraph. It's far too whiny. I should have ended it with a shiny 'trust God's timing**' and then started talking about cupcakes. But here's the thing: today, just know you're not alone. You're not the only one who counts the ways you're 'better' than the girl with the cute new boyfriend. Or questions why you enjoy closing on Saturday nights, only to realize it's because the 'smart' girls are working while all the 'dumb' ones are out having lives. 

And maybe, we need to hear less of the "there's plenty of fish in the sea! You'll find The One eventually!" and more, "sometimes boys are stupid***. And all you can do, is do your own thing, because worrying doesn't help."

Promise me this: when the loneliness of chronic singleness starts to get you down, or another boy has proved 'they're all the same', wipe your eyes and put your head up. Call up your bestie. Sing Bad Day. And believe, for once, that you're truly kick butt. Believe it so much that every person that sees you, believes it, too. Cuz you are.

I promise, you really, really are.

Happy Monday! xoxo

*Referencing Pride and Prejudice, in case anyone was confused.

**You can trust God's timing, while still aching for something. You can believe God has something great planned for you, while still wanting it to happen NOW.

***If you're a guy reading this, and you take issue with that, don't leave an angry comment. Prove me wrong.


  1. Honey Bun - I can't wait to meet the guy that snags you!

  2. But, my dear young lady, would you really want the type of fella who chooses the Lydia's of this world?
    Besides, you can have your hero now, just choose a man, or men who inspire you; currently alive, from history, literature, wherever you like. Then visit in your day dreams with Mr Knightly, William Wilberforce, Captain Hornblower, (just to name a few of my hero's). That is how you will learn to recognize your own real life hero when he walks into your life, for you will recognize these dream men in him, be the gold in him ever so hidden. You will not feel alone while you wait, because he will have been with you all along. We can be strong women on our own, most certainly, and love comes in many forms so enjoy all that each day sends your way.

    1. You're definitely right...fictional character crushes are the best.

  3. Great post! Just in time for the Valentine's Day blues:)

  4. This is such an eloquent post! I believe women don't need men (as men don't necessarily need women) to be successful in life. The part about God's timing is absolutely perfect :)

    1. Thanks so much for your kind words!

  5. I used to think I needed a man by my side in order to conquer the world. A little more than a year ago, I thought I had found him. He was amazing, the type of man who holds doors for you, brings you bouquets of flowers and sings in the car. We dated for about 7 months, then he left me for another girl. I was really devastated for a while. I thought I needed someone by my side to be the hero to my heroine, someone to give me advice and help me along. Turns out, I'm doing just fine on my own. I think it's important to be love yourself and your life without a man in it before you can be ready for your life with a man in it. It won't ever be a good relationship if you need someone else to make you happy. It gets kinda lonely some nights, but I know there's another guy out there somewhere, just waiting for me, I just haven't met him yet. I read in a book once that you should try to make yourself into the type of woman your ideal man would go for, and I think that's very true. I'll stop rambling now... :) I guess my point is that I thought a relationship would make me happy, but I've since learned that they're kind of overrated.

    1. Such a great comment! Thanks so much for sharing your story, I can't imagine how much heartache you must have felt. It is definitely important to be growing as a person on your own...and not postpone that (or delay it!) for a relationship.